I feel that I’m at a crossroads. I am scared to move forward and I’m scared to move backwards. I’ve really thought the last 2 days that I was going to cave and give into this addiction. I’m still not convinced that I’m out of the weeds yet. But I realized that I’m scared of succeeding. I’m actually scared about being an ex-smoker. I’ve had thoughts over the past 48 hours that reflect my old way of thinking. “I’ll quit when I loose the weight”. “I’ll quit when I feel stronger”. “I’ll quit when I can take time off work and be less stressful”. Wait a minute.
I’ve already quit. I haven’t smoked a cigarette, not even a puff, in over 33 days. It’s amazing to me. I don’t yet feel like an ex-smoker. It could be due to the fact that I want to constantly eat, I’m drinking more wine, I’ve gained 6lbs, and my emotions are all over the place. I don’t recognize myself anymore and in all honesty…I don’t even like myself right now. I feel like I’m running from something and hiding. Maybe I was always running and hiding, but it was behind the smoke. Now I’m exposed and not sure how to mentally handle it.
But I’ve got to get thru this. I’ve always prided myself on my mental stability, positive thinking, and ability to get thru hard times. Time to put those attributes to the test and see what I really am capable of doing.
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