I’m still emotionally all over the place. I’ve been thinking of smoking all day because I long to be the person I was a month ago. Maybe that’s the junkie talking, but I miss feeling emotionally whole. I was a smoker a month ago, a smoker that wanted to quit, and a smoker that had no idea how much I depended on smoking to keep me sane. Smoking was my emotional stabilizer and I had no idea. I’m tired of feeling depressed and like I’m missing something. I miss feeling happy. I was so excited right before quitting because everything I read about ex-smokers getting a boast in confidence and feeling great about themselves. I don’t feel that (most of the time). Believe me I do like smelling good now, it’s always a nice surprise and less effort because I don’t have to cover up the smoke smell, but I miss feeling really happy.
I’ve been reading a lot on the “Q” (quitnet.com) and there are a few of us that quit around the same time and I read that a few of them are having similar problems. It makes me feel less alone, but not less frustrated. I’m not going to smoke…I just want to feel like my old self again and not feel like I’m going crazy.
Okay – enough of the pity party – I’ll change gears….tonight I had dinner with a friend. We sat and talked for 2.5 hours and I ate a lot and was very full. On the way home I really thought of smoking and how nice a cigarette would be to calm my full belly. I loved smoking after a big meal. But of course I didn’t stop and buy any and thought to myself how I would have handled this situation a month ago. Driving home after dinner, without smokes, on a full belly. I would have been irritable, short tempered, and stopping at the closest store to get my fix. And that’s when I realized that it wasn’t about enjoying smoking. I wouldn’t have been the lunatic because I wanted to enjoy a smoke (when I ran out of smokes as a smoker), I was crazy because I was having withdrawal from nicotine. Interesting thought.
So tonight I’m going to sleep as someone that didn’t smoke again for the 26th day in a row. With hope that things have got to improve!
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