Living Alone, Bugs, and Cops

While getting my hair done over the weekend, my stylist asked me if I enjoyed living alone.  I said yes because I enjoy an oversized tee shirt and no one cares.  I can leave dishes in my sink overnight and I don't have to shut the door when using the bathroom.  She said there were things she missed about living alone.  She's one of those married people that look back fondly at their single days.  I told her there are pros and cons to both worlds and that I would welcome living with the right person, whenever I found him.

Ironically that night, I engaged in my secret single behavior (yes, I'm "leveraging" that term from Sex in the City).  I was eating ice cream straight from the carton, watching a Hugh Grant chick flick while wearing comfy pajamas.....when I saw something out of the corner of my eye.  I knew these things before I turned back around to get a closer look:  It's large, it's crawling across my wall, and there is no one else around to rescue me from the unwelcomed house guest.  I turned back to see the grossest, largest, and (way too many legs), creature.  I was still unsure what the hell this thing was, but I knew it needed to die.  I quickly accessed the situation and realized I needed a shoe and considered pulling a chair to the scene to get eye level with It.  Against my better judgment, I skipped the chair for fear too much movement would have put him on the move.  And he had more legs. 

I took my old sneaker, gave a little jump, and nailed the fucker.  I looked around to make sure it had taken his last steps and it only took me a second to realize it manged to have the last word.  Although dead, he had landed.... On. My. Arm.

You can imagine what happened next.  I began screaming and flung it off me and then went to run my wrist under water.  I went back and recovered his carcass and put it in a plastic bag. You know, incase I died in the night from the toxins that were on my arm, they could identify why.  Yes, I'm slightly neurotic. 

I went to my friend google and searched for "large bugs lots of legs tentacles".  After a few searches, I found a match: a house centipede.  So gross.  In case you can't appreciate my terror, here's an image from the Internet:

After that trauma, I retreated to my patio for a cigarette and walked out to see 3 cop cars in the parking lot. 

I'm not sure what chaos was taking place in my ghetto, but as I stood there, I thought of the reasons I don't like living alone.  I decided against sitting outside, took a deep breath, and went to bed. 

But not until I finished my pint of ice cream. And leaving the dirty spoon in the sink.

Comments

[sunnee]

You are too funny.

That bug is insanely gross. I would have freaked as well.

[floyd kelley]

what evolutionary purpose is served by having 1.2 trillion appendages?

[noel]

oh my goodness. just a little bit ago i was climbing into bed, and, tere on the floor was a house centipede. i nearly gacve myself a heart attack. i jumped up on my bed, watched it crawl under my bed and then got the hell out of my bedroom. i too went to google to find out what it was and stumbled upon this. well, i'm so sorry that you had to endure that alone.

[Kimberly]

Thanks for the photo! My 5 year old sucked this bug up in his bug vaccuum and we were having a hard time figuring out the name until I googled "identify large bug many legs". My kids enjoyed hearing your blog story of how you found it.

[Kimberly]

...of course I ommitted/edited parts of your story of course....

[Amy]

Ha - I'm sorry the blog wasn't kid friendly. I should probably give a warning about that before posting...

thanks for the comments!

[eric]

what the hell is it, one craweld across my floor last night

[Joanna]

I was just looking for a picture of this exact bug on the internet and found your article. I had one of these on my floor about a half hour ago, and flipped out!!!

It was HUGE!

I feel your pain, and am glad I am not the only one.

[Deb]

One of those bastards just ran under the top shelf of our shoe rack by the door that we always use to come in and go out of the house. Oh. My. Gawd. I yelped like crazy woman. I am not a fan of bugs at all .. but the ones that move super fast or jump just freak me the hell out. UGH.

[Heather]

I just googled this bug and found your blog. We have a split level house and the level my room is the second to bottom and I'm right at level with the backyard. We live in the woods. I'm not afraid of bugs but I keep finding these. They crawl REALLY fast and apparently can swim. I tried drowning them when I found two huge ones in my shower today but they were just swimming around. So much for that idea. I like to walk around barefoot, but I've been worrying about that. You're blog was hilarious and way better than any other way of finding out what type of bug they are.

[shawn]

i saw one yesterday

[Bri]

This is one of the funniest things I have ever read. I stumbled upon it because one of these house centipedes landed next to me on my desk in a class of about 60 people. Needless to say I freaked out and started screaming. In front of everyone. During a test.

[Amy]

Thanks for all your comments. Didn't know this entry would get the most traffic. :)

[Jared]

I was in the middle of teaching once when I saw one of those bugs. I stomped on it, and I swear it disintegrated. We also used to have those in my old office.

[ana]

i have one of those in my room right now but no testicles to kill it...so i'm just flipping a shit every time it moves...

[Mattie Jackson]

I love this because I freak out every time i see one. I stay with my best friend, who is a guy, so i get him to kill it every time. He doesn't understand me when it comes to those things but who cares. They terrify me. They have too many legs.

[Victor Velazquez]

Hi, yesterday morning I went to do my dishes from last nigth, so I was moving the plates to the side when i saw this huge creaping long unlimited legs creauture, wow! I have never seeing something like that, I started runing the hot water and that thing was moving so fast that scared the hell out of me, finally she went down the drain, trying to calm down, i said S###, I should saved it mabe it was a out of space alien and I could be a millionarie if I sold it the nasa, well, then I say I will google it, and find out some more about it. and yes here m I. you knoe the rest.
I thank God for Google. yes big time.

[Brittany(:]

holy fuckkk;
i was climbing into bed a couple months agoo, and i saw one of these little jackasses right next to my fucking bed.! i FREAKED out and started screaminggg. then i saw one down in my basement getting the laundry out of the dryer ? yah and before any of that, me and my little brother were outside and we found one of these fuckers, we showed it to my mom and she just about had a heart attack. they are the most discusting bugs i have ever seeen. besides ear pinchers or ear wigs, whatever you want to call them. i found one of those near my bed too. i was up late reading 'New Moon' (the second book in the Twilight Saga) and out of the corner of my eye i saw something black, moving on my wall, and i looked up and it was a damn ear pincher, well shit i flew outta bed, flipped the big light on, and ran and grabbed a friggin napkin.! I almost screamed at like, 1 in the morning. im not a fan of bugs. ew.
well, thanks for this article thingyy, i've been trying to figure out what that mofo was, for a long time now. lol

[jessica]

i found one of those creepy bugs in my house i was writing to my sister on the net and hear come's this ugly bug from my desk crawing around my phone and more beside me i looked i really wanted to sream but could not i had no shoes on so i could not slat it i stood up and it fell to the floor i said oh shit please dont go under my desk the creepy thing can very close to my feet so i grabbed the bug spray and sprayed but it did no die s i keep spraying i have never seen something so ugly in my life

[lilfootsmommy]

HOLY CRAP!!! I just was walking downstairs in my house and it was on the trim by the step. I FREAKED OUT! And then woke my husband up to KILL IT!!! I don't think I'll be sleeping tonight!